solitude used to be a sanctuary
but it isn’t any more.
(now i realize it wasn’t even solitude–

didn’t i lie when i said i had left
you behind?)  the walls these last
few days have been waves
fretting sheets of light.

shadows were black water, shallow
ink i couldn’t dive into.
i swam and swam against
a current i couldn’t find,
to the deep where even light drowns.

drowning is the one certainty
i have come to count on, leagues down
where sound thins out
and i tread the deep
in the ecstasy of absence–

missing you
is another way of loving you